It was sort of a slap in the face when I saw, "He's just not that into you." I mean I loved it, but it still stung a bit as the credits rolled. I suppose I'm used to believing that I'm one of those girls who has "thicker skin" when it comes to love and to my heart. I'm used to telling myself that I don't need a guy to make me, that being alone in the world isn't so lonely when you have yourself. But I've come to the realization that I am the kind of girl who needs a guy in her life, not necessarily of the romantic variety, just a guy in general. Someone with testosterone, someone who can make me feel wanted I guess. A psychologist would say it stems back to a persons childhood but mine consisted of truckloads of love, smothering love in fact, the full house/Brady bunch type of love, so I know it sounds weird to say that I still need that affirmation that I'm attractive or that I'm talented or that I'm different and because of that I am truly special.
Being alone is just as the word (partially) implies ; lonely.
And Single; it takes away the pride that you felt only moments ago. The pride you had for being successful, and beautiful and amazing it's all stripped away because it still means you have no one to share it with.
Friends; friends are great. But I've realized why people, once they reach a certain age cling to their significant other instead; because their friends aren't always there for them. Unfortunately enough, friends are human, they are not superheroes. Which means they will flake like a Pillsbury biscuit and mess up but that's I guess where a boyfriend comes in. Someone to take the place of the absence.
Or maybe romance holds a more powerful bond than friendship ever will. Which is the most frightening realization of all, because as I've seen it you are more likely to lose touch with and end all contact with your significant other than lose touch with a friend. I'm the type of person who holds on tight to friends, if they fall I try to fall with them, I don't like to let go. Although I think that losing a friend can be worse than losing a love. Friends are emotionally attached to you and have a bond with you but it's not romantic, it's not physical. So to have a friendship end, the culprit does not usually resemble chemistry, or physical attraction rather a misstep someone took or powerful,fighting words that were spoken.
I have never experienced the powerful feeling of love. Of course I love my family and my friends and god, but I've never loved another person in the romantic sense. I wish I could release all of my pety, paranoid inhibitions and just love like I had nothing to lose, only to gain. I suppose when I get into that mindset though i'm turned down. It may be because I fall for the flirts and the man whores who trip to feel you up while hugging. So thinking of it that way of course these guys aren't going to like me, because I actually respect my body enough to wait to have sex. And because I don't play into their games, the only games I play have a clear winner or loser; like soccer. But these games guys play have you wondering whether you've won or lost and whether that thought was his intention or not?
Or (and this is the best) the guy I've been pining for returns the favor and I get completely freaked out. Like "why would a guy like me?" Don't get me wrong here I have a high self esteem, I know this because I'm not one to usually give in to peer pressure so I know I have enough confidence in myself and who I am as a person. But I think you need a different kind of confidence when it comes to love. You need to feel equipped with the skills and knowledge needed to 'woo' the other person. But I guess it scares me, you know? Someone else loving me? Having to show my feelings? I mean I'm more like a guy when it comes to feelings, it's just weird to me. It's a totally different world through texting though. I mean it's dangerous. You feel like.... I don't know like the text is going to some prince charming in another world when in actuality it's still going to the same loser with the accent who told you, that you resembled a man. And I guess it's what we get for texting on a silly whim, on a childish impulse but why is it so different from text to face? I think we are more comfortable through texting, it's almost like a mask covering your true identity, your flaws, your awkward laugh, your wandering eyes, your less than perfect appearance. In a text we seem to be so mold-able like Playdoh or something. We seem to tell each other those little cliche lines and eat it up, we over think and overwork our words. Maybe simple is beautiful. Maybe honesty holds more power than sugarcoated lines. Maybe being awkward and afraid is what we need to be. Maybe being vulnerable tells the other person "hey I'm yours, I'm giving you all of me." Instead of wearing the protective helmet and the knee pads maybe we should risk it, risk our safety, risk our comfort, risk our stability and in the end, end up with something even better; love or at least a real honest-to-god chance at the possibility of it.
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the un-returned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "
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