Saturday, February 13, 2010

The story of my life, 'he's just NOT that into you.'

It was sort of a slap in the face when I saw, "He's just not that into you." I mean I loved it, but it still stung a bit as the credits rolled. I suppose I'm used to believing that I'm one of those girls who has "thicker skin" when it comes to love and to my heart. I'm used to telling myself that I don't need a guy to make me, that being alone in the world isn't so lonely when you have yourself. But I've come to the realization that I am the kind of girl who needs a guy in her life, not necessarily of the romantic variety, just a guy in general. Someone with testosterone, someone who can make me feel wanted I guess. A psychologist would say it stems back to a persons childhood but mine consisted of truckloads of love, smothering love in fact, the full house/Brady bunch type of love, so I know it sounds weird to say that I still need that affirmation that I'm attractive or that I'm talented or that I'm different and because of that I am truly special.


Being alone is just as the word (partially) implies ; lonely.

And Single; it takes away the pride that you felt only moments ago. The pride you had for being successful, and beautiful and amazing it's all stripped away because it still means you have no one to share it with.


Friends; friends are great. But I've realized why people, once they reach a certain age cling to their significant other instead; because their friends aren't always there for them. Unfortunately enough, friends are human, they are not superheroes. Which means they will flake like a Pillsbury biscuit and mess up but that's I guess where a boyfriend comes in. Someone to take the place of the absence.


Or maybe romance holds a more powerful bond than friendship ever will. Which is the most frightening realization of all, because as I've seen it you are more likely to lose touch with and end all contact with your significant other than lose touch with a friend. I'm the type of person who holds on tight to friends, if they fall I try to fall with them, I don't like to let go. Although I think that losing a friend can be worse than losing a love. Friends are emotionally attached to you and have a bond with you but it's not romantic, it's not physical. So to have a friendship end, the culprit does not usually resemble chemistry, or physical attraction rather a misstep someone took or powerful,fighting words that were spoken.


I have never experienced the powerful feeling of love. Of course I love my family and my friends and god, but I've never loved another person in the romantic sense. I wish I could release all of my pety, paranoid inhibitions and just love like I had nothing to lose, only to gain. I suppose when I get into that mindset though i'm turned down. It may be because I fall for the flirts and the man whores who trip to feel you up while hugging. So thinking of it that way of course these guys aren't going to like me, because I actually respect my body enough to wait to have sex. And because I don't play into their games, the only games I play have a clear winner or loser; like soccer. But these games guys play have you wondering whether you've won or lost and whether that thought was his intention or not?

Or (and this is the best) the guy I've been pining for returns the favor and I get completely freaked out. Like "why would a guy like me?" Don't get me wrong here I have a high self esteem, I know this because I'm not one to usually give in to peer pressure so I know I have enough confidence in myself and who I am as a person. But I think you need a different kind of confidence when it comes to love. You need to feel equipped with the skills and knowledge needed to 'woo' the other person. But I guess it scares me, you know? Someone else loving me? Having to show my feelings? I mean I'm more like a guy when it comes to feelings, it's just weird to me. It's a totally different world through texting though. I mean it's dangerous. You feel like.... I don't know like the text is going to some prince charming in another world when in actuality it's still going to the same loser with the accent who told you, that you resembled a man. And I guess it's what we get for texting on a silly whim, on a childish impulse but why is it so different from text to face? I think we are more comfortable through texting, it's almost like a mask covering your true identity, your flaws, your awkward laugh, your wandering eyes, your less than perfect appearance. In a text we seem to be so mold-able like Playdoh or something. We seem to tell each other those little cliche lines and eat it up, we over think and overwork our words. Maybe simple is beautiful. Maybe honesty holds more power than sugarcoated lines. Maybe being awkward and afraid is what we need to be. Maybe being vulnerable tells the other person "hey I'm yours, I'm giving you all of me." Instead of wearing the protective helmet and the knee pads maybe we should risk it, risk our safety, risk our comfort, risk our stability and in the end, end up with something even better; love or at least a real honest-to-god chance at the possibility of it.









"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the un-returned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope. "

Before Romeo and Juliet came along.......

I want to have a love like this. But without the deceit, cheating, scheming, fighting, killing etc.


Tristan: [to Isolde] I live in torture thinking of these moments. Every look he gives you I get sicker and sicker. There's a burning in me, I feel on fire and a guilt I can't comidify. Does it make you happy to know that?


Isolde: Know that I love you Tristan. Wherever you go, whatever you see. I will always be with you. [his last lines]

Tristan: You were right. I don't know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either.


Isolde: Yesterday at the market, I saw a couple holding hands... and I realized we'll never do that. Never anything like it. No picnics or unguarded smiles. No rings. Just... stolen moments that leave too quickly.


Isolde: Why?

Tristan: There are other things to live for: duty, honor.

Isolde: But they are not life Tristan. They are the shells of life, and empty ones if in the end all they hold are days and days without love. Love is made by God. Ignore it and you suffer as you cannot imagine.

Tristan: Then I will no longer live without it.


Isolde: I want to know that there's more to this life, and I can't know that if they kill you. [she Kisses Tristan]


Isolde: How many have you loved before me?

Tristan: None.

Isolde: And after me?

Tristan: None.


Tristan: Isolde, we can't.

Isolde: It's like asking me to stop breathing.

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition,

For years now there's always been this little voice inside of me saying "hey there's something not right here, you're different than other people.You do things that other people don't do." But as custom I swept it under the rug and continued living my life. It wasn't until I received therapy that I was faced dead on with my struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder. Now I will be the first to admit I have a very very mild case of it. I'm not like those affected on MTV's true life who couldn't walk into a doorway without performing repetitive behaviors or "huffing" before using a toilet. Although those rituals do appear on the surface to be completely insane the thing is it makes sufferers feel better. Maybe ocd affects only cowards; the people of the world who can't come up with a legitimate reason for feeling certain ways so instead of coping in healthy ways branch out into strange thoughts and behaviors to make it through the day. It's scary knowing you have a disorder. And it's even scarier not knowing what to do with it.


My weird ocd habits:


I have to have an equal amount of deoderont under each arm. I count the number of times I put it on and both have to be the same. They usually are even numbers

I smell glasses before I can drink out of them.

I smell milk before I drink it.

I can't eat or drink something once the expiration date has passed.

I can't stand wet towels because they lead to mildew.

I don't like washing my face in the sink at my house. I get anxious because of the water that gets on my elbows and because it's such a tight space.

I line up my products in my room in descending size order.

My remotes are lined up tallest to smallest.

I don't like feeling trapped, I don't like cramped spaces.

I have to have my clothing in my closet hung up in rainbow color order.

I pick dry skin out of my scalp for hours.

I pluck my eyebrows more than I know i should.

I hoard things.

I get very anxious when my purse and room are unorganized.

At school I must have three bottles of water at all times. My therapist told me it's bc in chinese numbers three is tranquility and peace which makes sense because with three water bottles that is how I feel.

Before leaving the bathroom I check and double check my fly to make sure it is zipped and check and double check both shoes to make sure I have no toilet paper trailing on my foot.

When working out I count.

I have food obsessions such as : oj, smoothies, apples, chai lattes, turkey and cheese sandwiches, and popcorn that I devote all my thoughts to.

I have had and probably always will have a food obsession as well as a weight obsession.


I've always been obsessed with weight though. As I think back to my fifth birthday party I remember not wanting to go outside to see my friends because I felt too fat and exposed in my flowered one piece. It makes me really sad to think that as a five year old I couldn't think of anything else but my protruding stomach and chubby legs. I've always focused my days on food though. Going to the movies; what will we eat? Going to a party; what are they going to have to eat? Going to school; I have to have specific foods and snacks to make it through the day in one piece!


It's a vicious cycle but without these nonsensical obsessions where would I be? Would I still be alive? Would I have gone insane?


Is the Ocd part of who I am? Yes, and no.

Is a perfect appearance seen in only that of the plastic variety?

"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." ~Samuel McChord Crothers

Don't judge a book by its cover may be one of the most overused phrases. Or its at least up there with "why did the chicken cross the road." I realize that the phrase is saying before you decide to dismiss another person based upon their appearance you should instead get to know "what's inside" just as you shouldn't judge an actual book by its cover because the story inside may pleasantly surprise you. The thing is though I do judge books by their covers and yes I mean actual books and I also judge people by their appearance. For instance a person who looks physically in shape is more appealing than one who is not. It's because people who are in shape and workout on a regular basis exude more confidence and without saying anything they seem to give off the impression that they care about and love themselves and because they accept themselves they will accept you. Whereas someone who is a little "softer," usually does not exude that confidence and spark. A larger person gives off the impression that they don't care enough about themselves to exercise and because of this low level of self esteem they are not able to accept others because they have yet to accept themselves. Now I'm not hating on bigger people, because I used to be bigger. When I was little I was always a bit bigger than the other kids, never obese mind you but just enough that I was self conscious about my appearance. It may have had something to do with my protruding gut and chubby cheeks. Even at the tender age of 6 I was almost too embarrassed to go outside at my own birthday party because of my bathing suit and everything that stuck out of it. I knew all of my skinny friends would be outside and I would look like a whale comparatively. Regardless I went outside and had as good of a time as I could while pining to look like they did; long and lean. This fascination with being slim never really went away. In middle school I would work out to the point of passing out. Though I never starved myself, or regurgitated my meals I was unhealthily trying to lose weight to look like everyone else in the world. From a young age though I was always my own person but society and the media got to me. My friends and family never judged me for it but I felt as if the rest of the world was. I think image obsession has taken the world over though. From laser hair removal, to gastric bypass surgery, to tummy tucks, to over processed hair, to steroids, to teeth whitening, to implants, to weight loss supplements I think it's safe to say that we are all obsessed with appearance. The thing is though bulimia, anorexia and purging are all mental disorders. How sad is it that the media and society are literally giving people mental disorders? More than anything though it is just sick.


I think talking about personal appearance is a sensitive subject for any human being. We are constantly bombarded with perfection on TV; whether it be airbrushed models or dazzling pearly whites on a toothpaste ad. Though we have come to accept that these images are computer generated we never cease wondering why we cant all look like that and why perfection is so impossible to reach. The thing is whether we realize it or not every one of us will always strive for physical perfection and the only thing we can really do is just accept that as human beings we are imperfect and that god made us each different and unique for a reason.

Artistic Autistic; Andy Warhol. The man, the Artist, the Legend.

When thinking back on the life and artistic works of Andy Warhol the most one might say about him was that he was very peculiar or very talented. Could it be though, that there was an underlying factor that contributed to his oddities and very successful career? Is it possible that the emotionless expressions, monosyllabic interviews, repetitive patterns, preference for isolation and trouble empathizing with others were all caused by a form of autism? More specifically Warhol may have been afflicted by a form of autism known as; Aspergers Syndrome. According to the autism spectrum Aspergers is considered a higher functioning form of autism. “A few people with Aspergers syndrome are very successful and until recently were not diagnosed with anything but were seen as brilliant, eccentric, absent minded, socially inept, and a little awkward physically.” (Kirby, 2006)
Those with Aspergers Syndrome have trouble detecting social cues from others, such as when a person is not interested in conversation. Those diagnosed may appear physically awkward and bizarre in appearance and tend to prefer uniformity and sameness in everyday circumstances. Aspergers is categorized as a social disorder which explains why many diagnosed are comfortable being by themselves, rather than being in a group. In group settings those with Aspergers become anxious and stressed because they must come face- to-face with their biggest obstacle; comprehending social cues, such as humor, sarcasm, and others disinterest in a conversation. Those afflicted have a hard time expressing empathy towards others and may use very big words, or speak minimally. They also avoid any form of personal contact including hugging, shaking hands etc.
Andy, from a young age, was just different from the other kids. He preferred to hang out with the girls, and instead of playing ball out in the street (like his brothers) he could be found drawing butterflies and flowers on his front stoop. At the tender age of five Andy came down with Scarlet Fever and at age eight contracted what is known today as St. Vitus’s Dance. St. Vitus’s is a disorder that affects the central nervous system and is closely linked with Scarlet Fever. Because of St. Vitus’s, Warhol’s complexion became pallid, uneven and blotchy which made him self conscious about his appearance. (Burns , 2006) As a child his next door neighbor remembered that, “ Andy was a very mild, squeamish kid, artistic, sensitive all of that business. He took after his mother. She was soft on everyone. But Andy was afraid of everything, I picked him up and he squealed and hollered a few times but I just took him to school.” Though his second grade teacher Miss Metz had kinder words “remember[ing] him fondly as a shy, delicate boy who liked to draw.” (Warhol Family Album, 2005)
With Aspergers comes the preference for isolation and a paralyzing fear of being with others. On many occasions Warhol could have been found in a corner scanning the room, or home alone working on his art instead of going out. Just as often as he was alone though he was surrounded by a mass of people but mainly remained in the shadows, even if he was the host. Warhol’s television set and tape recorder kept him company and he seemed content with that. “The acquisition of my tape recorder really finished whatever emotional life I might have had, but I was glad to see it go.” (Warhol, 1975) Even as a child Warhol just didn’t understand relationships with others, Andy didn’t become reclusive once he reached adulthood though, even as a child Andy kept to himself not understanding others his age or social situations. “ I wasn’t amazingly popular, but I had some nice friends. I wasn’t very close to anyone , although I guess I wanted to be, because when I would see kids telling one another their problems, I felt left out. No one confided in me- I wasn’t the type they wanted to confide in I guess.” (Warhol, 1975) He didn’t understand social cues but wanted so badly to be apart of a social “group.” A children’s therapist for those afflicted by autism; Barbara Kirby describes her patients as “desir[ing] interaction with others but hav[ing] trouble knowing how to make it work.”(Kirby, 2006) Even as an adult Warhol had found himself in the same situations, “I still wanted to be close with people” (Warhol, 1975), “I still felt left out and hurt” (Warhol, 1975). He once described himself as “the type who'd be happy not going anywhere as long as I was sure I knew exactly what was happening at the places I wasn't going to. I'm the type who'd like to sit home and watch every party that I'm invited to on a monitor in my bedroom.” (Brainy Quote , 2009) Warhol once divulged that he had skipped multiple dates planned for the evening and instead stayed in and dyed his eyebrows.(Brainy Quote , 2009) Warhol was also shunned by popular artists of the time, Robert Rauschenberg and Jasper Johns. "Why don't they like me?" Warhol wondered. (Burns , 2006) But later he came to a realization and “decided [he] just wasn’t going to care because those were all things that [he] didn’t want to change, that [he] didn’t think [he] should want to change. De was the only person [he] knew then that could see past those old social distinctions to the art itself.” (Burns , 2006)Though he wasn’t just timid around those he didn’t know but even with good friends he could be found insecure and distressed. Once he was so frightened of going into a club that he stood outside the entrance not able to go in, even though his good friend and business partner was waiting inside for him. (Stewart , 2006) Ivan Karp, who was the first gallery representative to become interested in Andy’s pieces and his close friend afterwards, described Warhol as being the man you could find hiding in his own shadows not wanting to be noticed. (Stewart , 2006) Because he was awkward and apprehensive in a social environment it made more sense to Warhol to enjoy being by himself and on occasion watch others interact with each other.
“All the conversations I had with him were marked with a certain resistance. There was hesitancy in his speech, he would say a few words and pause, internally reflecting on what he was saying. He seemed to be very careful and thoughtful about what he was saying. There would always be these strange little twists, or a humorous way of seeing that somehow things that seemed to be right side up in the world could also be backwards. He seemed to be able to see things on a couple of levels simultaneously, but there’d be a wry quality, seriousness mixed with humour, that struck me as being characteristic of him.” -Betty Ash
When Warhol spoke you could sense that there was something different about him, he would often repeat phrases or answer a question in a single word. The co-author of “Pop-ism” described Warhol as having a, “voice with peculiar locutions.” (Stewart , 2006) He was infamous for his maladroit interviews, responding to lengthy questions with a yes or no, leaving reporters stunned and confused. This was specifically seen in an interview with Paul Taylor where Warhol repeatedly answered “ I don’t know” totaling 21 times within the interview.(Taylor,1987) Warhol had confessed before that he didn’t feel confident enough to use more complex words or sentences and said he felt that listening was an art form. "I know only one language, and sometimes in the middle of a sentence I feel like a foreigner trying to talk it because I have word spasms where the part of some words begin to sound peculiar to me and in the middle of saying the word I'll think "Oh, this can't be right - this sounds very peculiar, I don't know if I should try to finish up this word or try to make it into something else, because if it comes out good it'll be right, but if it comes out bad it'll sound retarded," so in the middle of words that are over one syllable, I sometimes get confused and try to graft other words on top of them." (Stewart , 2006) The fact that Warhol said so little really portrays the claim that he was to a certain extent autistic. Autism or more specifically Aspergers is categorized with individuals who have a hard time adapting to social environments making them appear awkward. Also those with Aspergers are not known for rambling; they can say what an average person would describe in 100 words, in about 10 words. They limit their words and say only what is needed, they don’t have all of the fluff in their conversations.
The world was fascinated by Warhol because they didn’t understand him and found him strange, although Warhol himself was aware of his oddities. He recognized that he was strange but instead of trying to blend into society he decided to embrace his quirkiness which was what really set him apart from the other artists of the time and helped him to become successful. “When I saw myself in those home movies we took on the Cape last weekend I hated myself so much. Every simple thing I do looks strange. I have a strange walk and a strange look; what’s wrong with me?” (Stewart , 2006) Warhol also was quoted confirming the idea that he really did stick out like a sore thumb, after peering at his reflection in a store window. (Stewart , 2006) “I saw the tape I did for the first TV shows…. Susan Blond was a little corny and I was terrible. Reeaallly Reeallly peculiar. I’m just a freak. I can’t change it. I’m too unusual.” - Warhol (Stewart , 2006) In the book, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol, Andy spoke about never wanting to have kids because he didn’t think anyone deserved to have any of the problems he had had to deal with on a daily basis. He spoke a lot in the book about feeling like he was missing some chemicals, about feeling like an outsider looking in.(Warhol, 1975) Although at the time Andy appeared to be the “it” guy and the social butterfly of the times he preferred to sit alone. He said once that he thought he had some sort of social disease, recognizing he didn’t know how to interact with others , he was painfully aware (Brainy Quote , 2009). On the Andy Warhol documentary Charles described Andy as, “[being] a very beautiful person [inside] that’s what I really like about him, but he had an enormous inferiority complex, he told me he was from another planet, he said he didn’t know how he got here. Andy wanted so much to be beautiful, but he wore that terrible wig which didn’t fit and only looked awful.” (Burns , 2006) After being shot by Valerie Solanas, Andy described how before he was shot he always felt that he was more “half-there than all-there”. He said he felt as if his whole life leading to that disaster he had just been watching television. He said that from that point on he knew he was watching television.(Brainy Quote , 2009) “People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen to you in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television -- you don't feel anything.” (Warhol, 1975)
Andy was known for being a mass hoarder, like many with Aspergers or certain types of autism. Those with Aspergers are known for displaying characteristics that are very similar to obsessive compulsive disorder, one of which is hoarding. When he had cash in his pocket it would seem to burn a hole right through. “Cash. I just am not happy when I don’t have it. The minute I have it I have to spend it. And I just buy STUPID THINGS.” (Warhol, 1975) Although coming to the realization that what he was buying was unnecessary, Andy could not help it. He also said that his best times in life were when he didn’t have a single problem that he couldn’t fix with money. He even had nervous breakdowns and panic attacks because of his unhealthy habit, “then, after my third nervous breakdown and I still didn’t have any extra candy, my career started to pick up, and I started to get more and more candy, and now I have a roomful of candy all in shopping bags.”(Warhol, 1975) The rush he felt when he bought things seemed addictive, he wouldn’t even open half of what he had bought he just needed to have them. It was said that once Andy had obtained enough money from his art work he would find a single item that he adored and buy it in mass quantities. He loved to have collections of things, it was said that after his death executors came upon rooms filled with bags and bags of things that have never even been opened. (Burns, 2006)Although he did hoard he did it in an organized way, for instance he had specific spots for every paper he ever received; mail, magazines, notes, bills everything, he would put them each in specific boxes and number them accordingly. There were hundreds of these boxes documented. “He collected post cards from his lovers, shoe drawings and more bizarrely, dental models- 140 sets of teeth, including a giant set of uppers and lowers in plaster.” Heather Byrne (Seidel, 2008). He was even obsessive about his underwear, he partial to the green ones, and he wouldn’t just buy a few pairs in different colors or even just a plain pack of white underwear, Warhol had to have his green underwear that was at a specific store, in a specific brand. Warhol was convinced that the green underpants felt different than any of the other color varieties.
Within his works Warhol would throw pop culture and media in your face although many times he would focus his works on sore subjects or things that were overly publicized. Warhol seemed to focus on stars once they had hit rock bottom. When the rest of Hollywood was dumping these stars to find new ones Andy was in the process of silk screening repetitive images of the once beautiful stars, that had in present light become decrepit, pointing out that even the most famous celebrity can not retain their glow and luster forever. And perhaps he was emphasizing the idea that we are all people and at some point or another we are equal with one another. It seems though that Warhol did not understand others pain, for instance he silk-screened a series of images known as the “Disaster Series”. These were touchy subjects and they were real people who had died and Warhol was just using these images for himself. Andy then took on silk-screened images of car accidents and people dying. He said that whenever he would turn on the television even on a holiday they only commented on death, almost mocking, yet sympathizing with the media and the deaths.(Burns , 2006) “Warhol’s autistic stare was the same for heroes and heroines as for death and disaster.” (Taylor,1987) Showing how so many deaths go unnoticed by most of the world and that a person dies and no one seems to notice a difference. He also used an image of tuna fish out of a magazine that many had died from because it contained botulism known as the “Tunafish Disaster.” (Stewart , 2006) A misunderstanding of emotion is also a key component in the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome.
Many with Aspergers are not able to empathize with peers and may come across as being insensitive. For instance, it was thought that Warhol used those in the factory to get ahead. The biggest example of his insensitivity was when he befriended Edie Sedgwick, a little rich girl who wanted nothing more than to be a celebrity. Warhol and she made headlines together for movies and for new things happening at the factory. Edie began to spiral out of control though when she began to get into more hardcore drugs and eventually killed herself. (Burns , 2006)“Warhol used and abused the people who fluttered around him, then placidly watched them self destruct, as if they were nothing but shadows on a screen.”(Farr, 2006) Andy didn’t attend Sedgwick’s funeral making him appear selfish and insensitive. Looking back, it seems as if Warhol just couldn’t understand the emotionality of the situation and wasn’t able to comprehend the magnitude of the loss. Tyrangiel said that "When you were with him, you'd feel as if he didn't have the slightest interest in knowing you. All he wanted to know was what you thought of him— or that you thought of him." (Tyrangiel, 2006) This portrays a man who doesn’t understand when someone is upset, uninterested, or just angry. As stated in an article focusing upon, those with Aspergers are “oblivious to the listeners feelings and reactions”( Raising Special Kids,2006) Many who have been diagnosed are very literal in speech and have difficulty speaking in context especially in a social environment. Warhol noted once, “I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don’t know. I mean how can you tell?”(Brainy Quote , 2009) Those with Aspergers have trouble differentiating between sarcasm and serious tones of voices and are not sure how to react. Two days after Warhol had been shot in the chest by Valerie Solanas, President Kennedy was shot and killed . Andy later confessed “I didn't care when President Kennedy was shot.”(Jones,2002) Although you might suspect one whom had been shot a mere two days before would empathize with the family and understand the turmoil it had caused ,Andy didn’t. Following Kennedy’s funeral Warhol obtained pictures of Jackie O at the funeral and silk screened them . (Burns , 2006)
“I wouldn’t have stopped Monroe from killing herself, I think that everyone should do whatever they want to do and if that made her happier than that is what she should have done.” (Bockris, 2003)
You would think that someone who had Aspergers would not be thought of as weird until you heard them speak, but Andy was a different case. He was physically odd in appearance as well as in spoken word. He was described as being “pail skinned and frail looking” and he had such anxiety over his abnormal appearance that it actually ended up hurting his relationships and social life. (Burns , 2006) He had an interview with the art director of Glamour magazine Tina Frederick’s whom later said “I greeted a boy with a big beige blotch on his cheek possibly going up to the forehead. He was all one color. Weird. There seemed something other earthly or offbeat, different for sure, elfish from another world. He had a breathy way of talking his voice was slight unemphatic whispery covered over with a smile.” (Burns , 2006) It was not only others who were baffled by his appearance, but Andy was also. He wanted so badly to look like an average man, he wanted to be “beautiful.” Andy was so self conscious though of his blemished, blotchy skin and large Polish nose that he actually went to get procedures done in order to correct both. He came out disappointed though because neither procedure offered the benefits he was hoping for. (Burns , 2006) Maybe because of his awkward outer appearance there seemed to grow an unparallel fascination with beauty and with a pretty face. Warhol desperately searched for beauty in himself and when he couldn’t find it decided to wear sunglasses and wear gray and silver wigs to mask his rapidly thinning hair and keep people guessing his age. “The longing for beauty is especially strong in me. I require also in my art aesthetics and beauty. And I express these in my own way.” (Bodenstein,2001)
Anything Andy did seemed to have a repetitive pattern, it was entrancing but also a bit peculiar. His art was constructed in grid patterns but no two images he created were ever exactly the same. Famous pieces of Andy’s that portrayed his preference for grid patterns were the Campbell’s Soup can paintings, the Brillo pads, the Coca Cola bottle pictures etc. “Andy who had been drawn to repetition of images when he was a child and counted the sheets hanging out to dry on his way to school, saw it’s real meaning (that every sheet is different) as one of the essential lessons of looking.”(Bockris, 2003) “He had a distinctive line and liked to compose with repeating patterns and an instinct for what would appeal to the broadest number of people.”(Farr, 2006) Ivan Karp
remembered that when he visited Warhol’s studio “he was playing the same pop record ninety times” Andy had programmed it that way. (Stewart , 2006) His repetitive behavior was not just seen in his works but also in interviews, Warhol was infamous for repeating the same phrases such as “gee” “great” etc.(Thorpe , 1999) In an interview with Paul Taylor Warhol repeated the phrase “ I don’t know” a total of twenty one times.(Taylor,1987)In other interviews Andy would often repeat questions asked of him and chuckle when the reporter had nothing to say. The repetitive nature and echoing of others words are often seen in patients with Aspergers. ( Raising Special Kids,2006)
“Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves?” (Brainy Quote , 2009)
Being hyper- sensitive to light, sound, touch, texture, taste, smell, pain, temperature and other stimulants is quite commonly seen in those with Aspergers. ( Raising Special Kids,2006) During his childhood Andy and his family attended mass regularly in his hometown of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. After each service the congregation was expected to get up to shake hands with one another and say, “peace be with you.” This was the worst part of the service for Andy though and was so anxious about the physical contact that he would pretend to be deep in prayer or would go to the bathroom to avoid shaking others hands. After his bout with St. Vitus’s his older brother remembered that Andy was, “ hyper-sensitive to touch and remained subject to spasms and shaking, mood-swings and anxiety. ” (Farr, 2006) Viva a friend from the days of the Factory remembered that; “After Andy was shot he became really terrified of women, he was very much changed towards me, much cooler. He was sexually afraid of women before, I mean you couldn’t touch him, he would cringe. That could have been an act but afterwards he seemed to be deeply afraid.” (Bockris, 2003)
Although those with Aspergers have emotionally challenging lives, and must work harder in order to find their place in society, it has also been said that they are, “capable of exceptional achievement and original thought as adults.” Many critics seem to think that the idea of Andy having any form of autism strips away the creative genius he is known for. Although it appears that Aspergers only helped to set Andy apart from many of the mainstream pop artists of the time. Although known today as a “syndrome,” Aspergers may just have been the fighting force behind Andy, that which gave everyone around him a greater appreciation of art and of those who were brilliant and even eccentric enough to create it.
“Curiously enough, despite the sort of a faze like, ‘I never had an idea I’m just Andy Warhol,’ that sort of numbed out look and claim, I would say that Andy was one of the very impressive artists of ideas.” (Burns , 2006)

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Commercialized Commercialism

These commercials are brilliant, if nothing else they make me shiver.

HTC




Audrey for Gap




Claire Danes for Gap



Vicks featuring music by Anathallo



Dove Evolution PSA



Dove Pressure PSA



Target Beautiful World



Target Hello Goodbuy



Target music by Enur ft. Calabria



Target Back to school



Target college



Target color your world



Suave Mother



Suave Baby



Nike no excuses



Nike Soccer Free style



Heineken sexes




Goody's new spin-pin



Target; "It started with a dress"



Miss Dior Cherie; magic in paris




Wii christmas



york peppermint patty sensations



Aria resort Vegas



reebok easytone



Fruit 2day



Nutrigrain little choices



AT&T endless possibilities




Hanes comfort fit socks

Friday, June 26, 2009

Summertime and the livings easy.

Inhaling the summer air I almost can't stand my love for it. It's that kind of love that sneaks up on you out of no where and you're back in that trance back in that all too familiar place. Everything I hate about summer, I have a strong desire for the rest of the year. What seems bothersome during summer seems like heaven during those other 9 months of wasted time. What I claim to hate about summer, I guess deep down I really love.

I love having to worry about getting sun burnt, I love having to deal with overly chlorinated, scraggly red hair, I love the bugs that nibble at my bare skin, I love having to worry about the sun melting my makeup away, I love that my top priority is having to find something meaningful to do, I love the things I hate.
I love the damp feeling of the grass, I love the late night party's, I love movie marathons in the sticky heat of my suburban home, I love being told to open my windows instead of wasting money on air conditioning, I love sunscreen and how it makes your skin almost unbearably reflective against the harsh sun and warm sand, I love not wearing sneakers and as a result having tar colored soles.

I love, love and therefore I love summer. Because summer is love. Summer is freedom, summer is relaxed, summer is exciting, summer is dramatic, summer is calm, summer is romantic, summer is freeing.
Summer is watermelon, summer is bare pantries, summer is experience, summer is sand covered scalps, summer is sweltering days splashing through retro sprinklers, summer is frozen Popsicles, summer is forgetting responsibilities, summer is sunglasses, summer is Golden tans, summer is burnt, summer is sweaty brows and upper lips, summer is 6-packs of mondos, summer is outdoor concerts, summer is sprouting freckles, summer is bikinis (especially itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow, polka dot bikinis), summer is reruns, summer is yearning for this passion to never leave, summer is bottled up smiles and laughter, summer is cookouts with old friends, summer is new friends, summer is fans rotating throughout deserted rooms, summer is hot, asphalt pavement, summer is crowded boardwalks,summer is power naps, summer is wet bathing suits,Summer is frying eggs on city sidewalks,summer is bubbles, summer is overworked, overheated car engines, summer is no schedule, summer is on a stoop, summer is children selling powdered lemonade, summer is trashy girls in bikinis at car washes, summer is dazzling fireworks, summer is baseball caps with rings of stained, sweat, summer is short shorts, summer is constant lulling buzz of lawnmowers, summer is frizzy hair,Summer is condensation dripping down dasani water bottles, summer is breezy,summer is worn in, old navy flip flops, summer is vacation, summer is air conditioned movie theaters, summer is cereal for dinner, summer is books on tape,summer is koolaid, summer is overcrowded city pools, summer is (the) lingering scent of chlorine, summer is hair down, top down, summer is water guns, summer is unemployment checks, summer is checkered picnic cloths, summer is picnics of ants, summer is beach bicycles,summer is homemade slip n' slides, summer is linen, summer is fleeting

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

High tech computers, low tech minds.

The world is ever changing, and everything around me is speeding up. I just wish I could slow it all down and enjoy the little moments. Like smiles and laughter. Cheesy I know but I don't think people these days appreciate the little things. They want instant happiness, instant coffee, instant amusement. I just think we're losing out on the little things. when teens come home from school these days they are in a world of their own. They play video games, text, watch TV, and listen to their i pods. Not to say I'm not guilty of this myself but it just seems like companionship matters less and less, and today it seems like being alone is no big thing because we have electronics to keep us company. It's really sort of depressing.And i think the more we feed into it, the more we begin to lose who we are. The more we get, the less happy we truly are. It's sort of like being rich. I've never wanted to be rich. And I never want to be rich. I just wouldn't know what to do with all that money. I wouldn't be able to decipher real friends from fake friends. That is why I hope I will be a middle class citizen in the future. Because no one will want me for my money. They will like me for me, not what I can buy for them.I hope to never win the million dollar lotteries. Life is more exciting when you have to live on less. I think people who have less money have more fun. And what has happened to entertainment? It's all so complex and I think that the older generations are drowning in this new age of technology. For their whole lives all they had to figure out were radios, and old school TVs.VCRs were as high tech as anything became . Now they are dealing with DVD players, texting, blogging, scanning, printing, digital video recorders, cds, mp3 players, i pods and computers. I mean it's kind of ridiculous. And now my generation and future generations are born programmed to adapt to this sort of thing. I just don't get it. Kids in school are all expected to own a computer, a printer, a tv etc. College applications are now preferred to be done online. Bills are paid online. I mean I suppose we're saving paper but everything is becoming so impersonal. What happened to mailing someone a letter? Now all we get are mass text messages sent to 40 people at once. It's so robotic. I want a personal letter in the mail. I don't want a text message that was sent to hundreds of other people. I like things to be personal, I like them to be thought out and real. I miss old school technology. What happened to walk mans, CD players, cassette tapes, Polaroid cameras, antenna tvs, VCRs, VHS tapes? No one seems to notice that they have all been thrown into some black hole of no return. People just go with the flow. And now the government is getting involved with the whole HD crap. Honestly how about we try and get ourselves out of this recession, rather than forcing stupid HD Television onto us all. What about the older folks who are content with their antenna TV? Now they have to buy a converter box just to watch TV? I mean they paid for their TV, they paid for their cable and that should be enough! And what if I'd like to buy a cassette tape? Is that too much to ask? Why must everything be upgraded? Why do I have to have all of the latest technology when I am quite content with the old? Why should I pay $20.00 for a CD when I could buy a cassette tape for a measly $9.00? It's all about money. No one cares about people anymore, no one cares about customer service. These days you call Verizon customer service and it could take you days to actually talk to a human being. I'm sorry but I'm not a robot so why must i have to converse with one?I wish everything would slow down. I am a slow person and I like slow things. I don’t understand this high paced world. It makes no sense.