Repetition, Repetition, Repetition,

For years now there's always been this little voice inside of me saying "hey there's something not right here, you're different than other people.You do things that other people don't do." But as custom I swept it under the rug and continued living my life. It wasn't until I received therapy that I was faced dead on with my struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder. Now I will be the first to admit I have a very very mild case of it. I'm not like those affected on MTV's true life who couldn't walk into a doorway without performing repetitive behaviors or "huffing" before using a toilet. Although those rituals do appear on the surface to be completely insane the thing is it makes sufferers feel better. Maybe ocd affects only cowards; the people of the world who can't come up with a legitimate reason for feeling certain ways so instead of coping in healthy ways branch out into strange thoughts and behaviors to make it through the day. It's scary knowing you have a disorder. And it's even scarier not knowing what to do with it.

My weird ocd habits:

I have to have an equal amount of deoderont under each arm. I count the number of times I put it on and both have to be the same. They usually are even numbers

I smell glasses before I can drink out of them.

I smell milk before I drink it.

I can't eat or drink something once the expiration date has passed.

I can't stand wet towels because they lead to mildew.

I don't like washing my face in the sink at my house. I get anxious because of the water that gets on my elbows and because it's such a tight space.

I line up my products in my room in descending size order.

My remotes are lined up tallest to smallest.

I don't like feeling trapped, I don't like cramped spaces.

I have to have my clothing in my closet hung up in rainbow color order.

I pick dry skin out of my scalp for hours.

I pluck my eyebrows more than I know i should.

I hoard things.

I get very anxious when my purse and room are unorganized.

At school I must have three bottles of water at all times. My therapist told me it's bc in chinese numbers three is tranquility and peace which makes sense because with three water bottles that is how I feel.

Before leaving the bathroom I check and double check my fly to make sure it is zipped and check and double check both shoes to make sure I have no toilet paper trailing on my foot.

When working out I count.

I have food obsessions such as : oj, smoothies, apples, chai lattes, turkey and cheese sandwiches, and popcorn that I devote all my thoughts to.

I have had and probably always will have a food obsession as well as a weight obsession.

I've always been obsessed with weight though. As I think back to my fifth birthday party I remember not wanting to go outside to see my friends because I felt too fat and exposed in my flowered one piece. It makes me really sad to think that as a five year old I couldn't think of anything else but my protruding stomach and chubby legs. I've always focused my days on food though. Going to the movies; what will we eat? Going to a party; what are they going to have to eat? Going to school; I have to have specific foods and snacks to make it through the day in one piece!

It's a vicious cycle but without these nonsensical obsessions where would I be? Would I still be alive? Would I have gone insane?

Is the Ocd part of who I am? Yes, and no.